Leader Blues

Friday, December 26, 2008

SPORTS>>Welcome to the sports celebrity gift-exchange counter

By KELLY FENTON
Leader sports editor

All right everybody, form a line and well get you taken care of as quickly as possible.

My, but there are a lot of you Dallas Cowboys here today wanting to exchange gifts. I guess we ought to start with you, Mr. Jones, you being the owner and all.

Im sorry, sir, we can give you your money back for your facelift, but we cant give you your old face back Oh, Im sorry, I meant no offense No, I assure you I was not about to make a wax museum joke I see, you want to return your brand-new stadium for a win over Philly tomorrow. I think we can do that.

Whos next? Why, good morning, Mr. Owens. What seems to be wrong with these top-of-the-line Isotoner gloves Tony Romo got you? Yes, I understand youd like to trade them in for more passes thrown your way, but Im afraid thats going to be up to your quarterback Mr. Romo, can you come to the front of the line, please? Please calm down, sir. I dont think Mr. Owens meant any offense by wanting to exchange your gift Well, now, yes, Mr. Romo, I agree it is better to give than to receive No, no, no, Mr. Owens, Mr. Romo wasnt implying a quarterback is more important than a receiver.

Mr. Romo, do you have anything youd like to exchange? Yes, I understand that youd like to take back the gift you gave Pittsburgh a couple of weeks ago. But you can only exchange gifts youve received.

Why, good morning Mr. McNabb Something wrong with the fully-loaded Hydra-Matic, Vortec V-8 Platinum Cadillac Escalade your wife gave you? Well, sir, its certainly your right to exchange that for a 2008 NFL Rule Book Yes, sir, that does include the rules for overtime.

Step right up, Coach Phillips Now, what seems to be the problem with this nice vote of confidence Mr. Jones gave you? No, I didnt know that every coach who has ever received that gift was fired two weeks later.

Mr. Burress, limp right up here. So youd like to exchange your Super Bowl ring for a Beretta sub-compact pistol? Suit yourself No, sir, I assure you I said suit yourself!

Mr. Nutt, what seems to be the problem with this nice offensive coordinator Ole Miss athletic director Pete Boone was kind enough to get you? You say you told him you didnt need an offensive coordinator but he got you one anyway? How thoughtless.

Well, if it isnt Iowa State head football coach Gene Chizik! How may we help you? Im sorry for laughing, sir, but I just assumed you were making a little joke Oh, my, you really meant that about trading in your 10 straight losses this season for the Auburn head coaching job? Sir, if youll just glance at our list of policies on the wall there, youll see the exchange must be of equal or lesser value.

What do you have there, Mr. Shanahan? I see, a gift card from NFL official Ed Hochuli . Hmm, Im sorry sir, this card was redeemed back in September against San Diego. Im afraid you cant use it again tomorrow.

Howdy, Mr. Tebow, what have we here? Yes, the Heisman is a beautiful statue While I find it admirable that you would want to unselfishly trade it in for a national championship, the receipt on this Heisman shows it was last years gift You say it wasnt a gift? ... Mr. McFadden here apparently disagrees.

Mr. McFadden, how may we help you? Yes, I understand you want to turn in your multi-million- dollar contract for a bus ticket out of Oakland? Going where, may I ask? Anywhere but Detroit, you say?