SPORTS>>Welcome to the sports celebrity gift-exchange counter
Leader sports editor
All right everybody, form a line and we’ll get you taken care of as quickly as possible.
My, but there are a lot of you Dallas Cowboys here today wanting to exchange gifts. I guess we ought to start with you, Mr. Jones, you being the owner and all.
I’m sorry, sir, we can give you your money back for your facelift, but we can’t give you your old face back … Oh, I’m sorry, I meant no offense … No, I assure you I was not about to make a wax museum joke … I see, you want to return your brand-new stadium for a win over Philly tomorrow. I think we can do that.
Who’s next? Why, good morning, Mr. Owens. What seems to be wrong with these top-of-the-line Isotoner gloves Tony Romo got you? … Yes, I understand you’d like to trade them in for more passes thrown your way, but I’m afraid that’s going to be up to your quarterback … Mr. Romo, can you come to the front of the line, please? … Please calm down, sir. I don’t think Mr. Owens meant any offense by wanting to exchange your gift … Well, now, yes, Mr. Romo, I agree it is better to give than to receive … No, no, no, Mr. Owens, Mr. Romo wasn’t implying a quarterback is more important than a receiver.
Mr. Romo, do you have anything you’d like to exchange? … Yes, I understand that you’d like to take back the gift you gave Pittsburgh a couple of weeks ago. But you can only exchange gifts you’ve received.
Why, good morning Mr. McNabb … Something wrong with the fully-loaded Hydra-Matic, Vortec V-8 Platinum Cadillac Escalade your wife gave you? … Well, sir, it’s certainly your right to exchange that for a 2008 NFL Rule Book … Yes, sir, that does include the rules for overtime.
Step right up, Coach Phillips … Now, what seems to be the problem with this nice vote of confidence Mr. Jones gave you? … No, I didn’t know that every coach who has ever received that gift was fired two weeks later.
Mr. Burress, limp right up here. So you’d like to exchange your Super Bowl ring for a Beretta sub-compact pistol? Suit yourself … No, sir, I assure you I said ‘suit’ yourself!
Mr. Nutt, what seems to be the problem with this nice offensive coordinator Ole Miss athletic director Pete Boone was kind enough to get you? … You say you told him you didn’t need an offensive coordinator but he got you one anyway? How thoughtless.
Well, if it isn’t Iowa State head football coach Gene Chizik! How may we help you? … I’m sorry for laughing, sir, but I just assumed you were making a little joke … Oh, my, you really meant that about trading in your 10 straight losses this season for the Auburn head coaching job? … Sir, if you’ll just glance at our list of policies on the wall there, you’ll see the exchange must be of equal or lesser value.
What do you have there, Mr. Shanahan? I see, a gift card from NFL official Ed Hochuli …. Hmm, I’m sorry sir, this card was redeemed back in September against San Diego. I’m afraid you can’t use it again tomorrow.
Howdy, Mr. Tebow, what have we here? … Yes, the Heisman is a beautiful statue … While I find it admirable that you would want to unselfishly trade it in for a national championship, the receipt on this Heisman shows it was last year’s gift … You say it wasn’t a gift? ... Mr. McFadden here apparently disagrees.
Mr. McFadden, how may we help you? … Yes, I understand you want to turn in your multi-million- dollar contract for a bus ticket out of Oakland? Going where, may I ask? … Anywhere but Detroit, you say?